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we have been staying there since saturday but only officially living there for two nights so far. the only time i get depressed or home sick is when we come back from getting our stuff from my old house. i just miss being able to sleep in the same bed as logan and i miss having my own room, but even though his aunt is clinically insane,i think, ( because she fried her brains on crack and acts like a child half the time and cant carry on a normal conversation ) and his mom is either a church freak or a drunk stoner, everyone there gets along nicely, ofcourse they have family spats and what not but 5 min later everyone is buds again, unlike my house where the anger just grows and the arguments get worse and worse.
i do want to go back to my house, but i cant take the stress, and its not good on my depression, im really convinced that my mom is the cause of most of my suicidal thoughts and it really feels like if i stayed there anylonger i would hurt myself.
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so she went off on me acting like me and logan were the lazy ones and even calling us that, all she had to do was say one sentence, austn go pick up the sticks please, but instead she would rather yell at me for trying to make things fair around the house, so she storms to her room leaving me crying and i can hear her talking shit about me, " god now she is going to cry " and " im sick of her and logan " what have we done?! logan will do anything for anyone if they just ask him too, he never ever complained or spoke badly to my mom when we lived there, i know im not innocent and i can get mouthy with my mom but thats because she never fucking listens. she blows me off like im a whiney 3 year old, she says i dont want to hear it and shit. but anyways back to the story.
yeah i know she had just got home from work, but i didnt get an attitude with her and she wasted more energy yelling at me when all it would have taken to solve the matter was one fucking sentence. so after crying for a few minutes i go in there trying to explain the best i can, while crying my eyes out because she hurts me so much when she does this, and even then trying to stay calm and not cuss, but she just acted like i was the fucking crazy hypocritical bitch. so when she still wouldnt listen what else could i do but tell her that i hated her. so i went back out to the dining room and just sat in front of the computer sobbing, everyone just walking by me like i wasnt there. she came out after a few minutes acting like nothing happened ( crazy bitch, remember? ) trying to give me clothes my aunt sent over, so i told i didnt want anything from or anything to do with her, so she told me to get off her lap top, she eventually tried to take it by force because i was taking too long ( i was trying to tell my boyfriend i was going to walk to his work ) we kind of fought over it, which i know i shouldnt have bcuz it was hers but i was too pissed to care and the only person in the world that cares about me was on the other end of an im. i think i might of pushed her because next thing i know she was coming at me and she slapped me, to keep her from hitting me again i held onto her wrists ( which wasnt hard cuz she weighs less than 100 lbs) that was when she told me to get out. i said fuck you a few times and called her a crazy bitch and then i got my brother to hold her so i could go to my room. i went in there and cried and cried, i had never ever felt like killing myself like i did then, it was like all my suicidal thoughts were amplified by 1000 and put together in my head, when i left i stuck an exacto knife in my purse half exepting to kill myself on the way to my boyfriends job.
when i told her to let me use her phone so i could call a friend to come get me she told me she didnt really want to kick me out, my reply was i wanted to leave anyways, i tried to get ahold of my friend but she was at the beach and didnt answer, so i walked up to logans work and waited for him to get off and call his mom to see if we could stay there that night. my friend showed up anyways at his work, and while we waited i told her everything that happened, she agreed that my mom was always a bitch like that and always favored my brother and baby'd him to no end. im still not quite sure if its true, im never sure of myself, its always easier to just think that i did something wrong than think it was their fault or confront them about it ( especially if their an "adult" )
so now im living with logans family, his mom, his aunt, his cousin, and two younger brothers. there is a total of 7 poeple living there. me and logan have mattresses behind the couch, thats our bedroom,literally. his mom wont even let us sleep on the same mattress, she is a huge catholic freak. but i knew all of this before i moved in ( it took logan and his aunt like 5 trys before she'd even consider it, and she is only letting us stay there because she thinks my mom wont let us back ) anyways i still have alot more to write but i'll have to continue it in another post...
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i moved out of my house saturday, i kind of got kicked out/ wanted to leave. i cant take my mom anymore, it started with an argument. me and my boyfriend logan spent 3 hours that morning trimming hedges and weed wacking the yard, my mom didnt even ask us to we figured she would be pretty happy to see the yard all cleaned up when she got home from work. it was my turn to use the lap top that morning too but instead i let my brother use it while me and my boyfriend did the yard, all i asked him to do was pick up some sticks and weed wack the front yard which was literally a 10 minute job, all he ended up doing was the dishes, which there was like 6 of them. nothing compared to how much me and logan busted our asses. so when she got home i casually started talking about what we did that day and informed her that austin didnt do his part and was now playing my boyfriends x box. she of course started defending him. " he did the dishes " was her excuse, so i said, but me and logan were out in the yard fopr three hours compared to his 10 minutes of washing dishes in the air conditioning, all he had to do was pick up some sticks. she feeds me the usuall i dont want to hear it and shit. so ofcourse i get upset and it turns into an argument like always. when i started my conversation with her i did not have an attitude, i know this for a fact because for the past 2 weeks i've been trying to stay on her good side and get along with her, i never complained when she asked me to do something and i would even go out of my way to do little things for her like cooking her noodles when she was perfectly capable to do them herself ( because my BROTHER refused to ). yet she went off on me accusing me and logan of being lazy...anyways i have to finish this in another post, to be continued.
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