Friends always seem to help me out in times of need. I wished I could pay them back for all the times they have helped me pull through issues. I have come to realize though that friends pay each other back in other ways. I am 14 hours away from most of my loved ones, but just a phone call can make it seem they are next to me.

Sometimes I feel that yea I do put my friends before some things because I have gona through a pretty traumatic experience and not once did my friends back away from me, but each and everyone was there to help and support me. I am proud of my large support system. I am thankful to say that yes I have more than one best friend. Some may be closer than the others but I have 5 best friends I can talk to in complete confidence and I have over 10 that are considered almost just as close. I know this sound impossible, but it is not. They still text me and call me and facebook me, and these are friends that no matter how far apart we are and no matter the space between our talks we will still be able to get together and go out of our way for each other.

So when my boyfriend says I put my friends before him it really hurts. All I can justify with is they have been there through thick and thin, they have helped me up if not have fallen with me, and they do not judge me but support me. What has he done? I understand he loves me, but does love make you chose between people (should it if it is true love). He moved away with me, but he also holds that against me. Well that was his decision, and if there was love would that even matter? We get into fights and spats like normal people, but would love cause you to bring tear drops to your lovers eyes every day because of something small. Would love cause so much stress being around the other partner that you can't move or think of your next action without wondering if it will set off a time bomb. I don't believe in that kind of love.

And if that is the love that you are going to show me and my friends are here to support me once again; then yes you can consider yourself second. He says that you should not put the love of your life after your friends only your family and God... Okay completely agree, but would the love of your life demand this and make it known? Would the love of your life make you miserable? No.

So I believe I am once again going back into this cruel world and the confusion of single life.

Being single is not what terrifies me.

It is what type of person that I am going to find next that does.

What will the next one be like? Yea they all are great people at first, but my past experiences have all resolved in complete 360 changes for the worst. I have had people make me their world and then it all goes away within a matter of months.

I have had people with out goals and ambition, no drive to do things on their own, and complete leech on their parents, one deovted to drugs and alcohol and crimes that I was kept in the dark about, as well as cheating on me every chance he got. One consistantly finding other girls on facebook and myspace to go see and be with while i was the trophy girlfriend for his family and friends to see. Ones who express anger and yelling and throwing things over a single spill of a cup of water.Ones who try to be controlling of my decisions and actions, and manipulate my thoughts that I am the one causing all this grief.

Well now it is time for me to work on me, and find the cause to why I am so attracted to these types. Because they are completely not what I stand for.

I am a woman of hard work and loyalty. I am a self driven person who loves to keep busy, but I love to go to the bar and have a drink. This does not make me an alcoholic nor a party animal after a few drinks. Yes I do on occasion lile to get drunk, but that rarely happens. Does that make me a bad person? Does it make me a controling bitch that I have my own goals and I am steadily achieving them because I am doing things my way. I am sorry that you don't see your life going in this direction. I am probably one of the most loyal people you will know. I don't ever look at another guy and think dirty thoughts like most people do in todays world. I have friends that trust me and me only around their husbands and boyfriends. They know I would never hurt them in any way. But to have someone treat you as if you have committed a crime by carrying on a conversation with the opposite sex, and then questioning simple as if I just went and had an orgy with 5 guys really blows my top. Saying I better not go to a party or to a bar without him even when it is a "girls"night is telling me you do not trust me. I have every right to have trust issues myself because of previous relationships, but do you see me going through his phone, and facebook, and asking what girls he came in contact with that day, and pretty much locking him away in a room and keeping the key?? NO. But it is okay for him because he has been cheated on... but i am the one who needs to get over my past relationships when I never talk about them but he brings them up.

I am done it is final.. I cannot be that old lady with cats (allergic) but I can be a diferent type and I will have my future career of being a farmer and have livestock as my infatuation (unitl one needs to be eaten of course...ag humor). Maybe some guy will ride in his trusty horse with is own farm collection and we can understand each other instantly.

I thought I have found the one once.... but I was wrong, and it will take awhile for me to readjust, but I am strong, determined, and independent. Pretty much every mans nightmare.