I get up (which is a feat in itself) drag myself to work, come 'home' to my husband and his roommate (we were separated and he moved in with a friend), to do nothing but watch tv, or if it's payday, do drugs...

i have already put an emotional and physical toll on my body from an early age. I did a lot of drugs, partied a lot when i was a teenager, and pretty much treat my body like a roller coaster. I know it isn't good, but i just.don't.care.

The house is a disaster, the walls are painted neon green, and blue, like I'm living in a f*cking 80's nightmare/ice cream shop gone wrong. It's dirty, although I try to clean. Cleaning is not appreciated, because I 'don't pay any rent', yet I have a $300 car payment, insurance, a loan to my job, and fines i pay on time every month. My husband likes to throw in how I lost my job (even though I got it back and work there now).

I know I've accomplished a lot with the shit I've been dealt in life, but that doesn't help me feel any better. I do drugs because it's the only escape I know, and I'm surrounded by it. I guess this makes me weak..but as i said before, i just don't care about myself anymore. I don't do drugs on a regular daily basis, but doing them period is bad, i know. my husband has told me numerous times he wanted to stop, and doesn't. he used to sneak to by neighbors house when we lived together, to get drugs, which is why I left. He chose drugs, over me.

Now, I'm in the same loser boat as he is, and I can't stop. I have an addictive personality, not to say that I AM indeed addicted to drugs, but I crave anything that allows me to escape. I have no sex drive, another reason why we fight. But why would i want to meet his sexual needs, when my emotional needs are not met?

i feel like a 40 year old in a 25 yr olds body....

Ugh....

FML