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aajoshi1
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Posted: 10/07/2010 06:44
Please advice. I did a PhD from a top school and towards the end of it I found someone and fell in love. Things were going great initially. She too had a phd and I got a research position in the same school as well as MIT (yes!) which was ofcourse my dream job. But going to MIT meant end of relationship since it is on opposite coast. So I decided to stay back and let go of MIT offer. Afterwards ofcourse the relationship unraveled. Basically as things were falling apart, I almost lost my mind - I felt it was like a bad dream, unreal - and she used that as a reason to dump me. Made me take all responsibility for a 'mental condition'.

I am completely shaken. Gradually with time I figured out that she was lying about a lot of things which made the whole thing seem like a dream. Like she is getting research awards every other day - for which I gave her presents, cards etc. Later I figured out there were no awards and all she was doing is try to make me jealous and the rates at which she seemed to get them was unrealistic (like each month one or the other award). I trusted her 100% at that time. Plus getting a job of MIT and letting it go made the whole thing surreal. Why would she do that? Why would she want me be jealous - she seemed angry and frustrated when I gave her gifts and congratulated her, now that I think about it. I guess she was not very much into me. Or maybe was into me because I was going to MIT.

What really does me is what kind of career I would have had if I were at MIT. That really makes it hard for me to focus on my current job. I don't know if I will like any job for that matter.

I am sure I made mistakes too but I can't see them. How do I come to terms with this? How do I find comfort. How do I let go?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Gold
OFFLINE
Posted: 10/07/2010 13:54
WE live and we learn. Something was telling you that you needed to stay in this relationship to learn a few things about your self and others. Did you learn the lesson? Probably, so now is the time to start moving forward again, and maybe that is a lesson you need to learn to. How to move forward, how to let go, like you said, and how to get what you want once you let it go. Maybe you are needing to open your eyes to the fact that no door is accually closed if it comes to bettering yourself. You can go for that job again or one similar to it. People understand that life gets in the way and if they don't want you, some one will. You were and are good enough to get in with them. Just cause the relationship went bad doesn't mean your skills aren't still there. Try again. As far as she goes, hind sight is 20/20. I think you learned a lot from it. Sorry you had to be wounbded in the process. Most of the time we will never know the real reason why some one is a but head to us and coming to the understanding that we will not know is hard, but it can be done. Accept that those are her issue and let her have them. As for you, I think you are wise to admit it takes two to tango, so to get even more learning out of this, try to really look at some of the parts you played in the relationship. It will help you see what you like and do not like in yourself and what can change. And there is the old adig that you just may have not been her cup of tea. All are a bit to swallow, and most of the time reality is, but you can not let it stop you from moving on. There is life out there to still live. Grieve the loss of you relationship, when you feel better from dealing with the pain, because the pain may not be gone, you just feel better because you grieved, then start the process of moving twords the things again that you want in life. Who knows, what you wanted before may not be what you want now after the relationship, we are human and have the right to change our minds, but you will not know until you go threw your sadness of loss and reavaluate your wants bassed on a better feeling you.
Total Topics: 551 | Total Posts: 2435
Today: 06/09/2010 17:27
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