Domestic violence

Domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, culture, income or education. It occurs in dating relationships, marriages, between ex-partners and within families, including abuse of children, older relatives or siblings.

Abuse is rarely a single incident. It's usually a pattern that may escalate over time and often alternates with periods of apparent calm or affection, which can make it confusing and hard to leave. Many people in an abusive relationship blame themselves, minimize what is happening or hope things will change.

Forms of abuse include:

• Physical: hitting, pushing, choking, restraining, using weapons
• Sexual: any unwanted sexual activity, including within a relationship
• Emotional and psychological: insults, humiliation, threats, intimidation, gaslighting
• Financial: controlling money, preventing work or study, running up debt in someone's name
• Digital: monitoring phones, tracking location, controlling social media

Abuse is never the victim's fault, and nobody deserves to be treated this way.

Coercive control is a pattern of controlling behaviors that isolates, degrades and intimidates someone, even without physical violence. It is now recognized as a serious form of abuse, and in some places it's a crime.

Signs of domestic violence include a partner or family member who:

• Isolates you from friends, family or support
• Monitors your phone, messages, location or spending
• Controls what you wear, where you go or who you see
• Puts you down, humiliates you or makes you doubt your memory
• Has unpredictable outbursts that make you feel you're "walking on eggshells"
• Threatens to hurt you, your children, your pets or themselves
• Pressures or forces you into sexual activity
• Blames you for their behavior

Friends and relatives may notice that someone seems fearful, withdrawn, frequently cancels plans, has unexplained injuries or always checks in with their partner. Trust your instincts if something feels wrong.

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911 in the US or your local emergency number right away.

Many countries have free, confidential domestic violence hotlines staffed by trained advocates who can help with safety planning, shelter and legal options. Your doctor, a hospital emergency department or local police can also connect you with them. If you are having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, US) or call Samaritans at 116 123 (UK and Ireland).

A safety plan can include:

• Identifying safe places and people you can go to
• Keeping important documents, money, keys and medications accessible
• Agreeing on a code word with someone you trust
• Using a device the abuser can't access when seeking help
• Knowing that the period around leaving can carry higher risk, so planning with an advocate is recommended

You don't have to decide everything at once. Reaching out is a strong first step.

Living with domestic abuse affects both body and mind. Common effects include:

• Anxiety, panic attacks and constant hypervigilance
• Depression, hopelessness and low self-esteem
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex PTSD
• Sleep problems, nightmares and physical health complaints
• Substance use as a way of coping
• Feelings of shame, guilt or self-blame
• Difficulty trusting others in future relationships

Children who witness domestic violence or experience child abuse may show anxiety, behavioral problems, difficulty at school, regression or emotional withdrawal. Exposure to violence at home is a form of harm in itself.

Effects can last long after the relationship ends, and some survivors find that symptoms appear only once they feel safe enough to stop being on guard. These reactions are understandable responses to ongoing threat. They are not signs of weakness, and with support, recovery is possible.

Recovery from domestic abuse often involves practical, legal and emotional support. Mental health professionals can help with:

• Processing trauma using approaches such as trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive processing therapy or EMDR
• Rebuilding self-esteem, boundaries and trust
• Managing anxiety, depression and sleep problems
• Understanding patterns of abuse and recognizing warning signs in future relationships
• Supporting children through child-focused therapy or family work

A clinical psychologist, psychotherapist or licensed therapist with trauma experience is a good choice, and some specialize in intimate partner violence. In the first session, a trauma-informed professional will prioritize your safety, let you set the pace and won't pressure you to share details before you're ready.

Couples therapy is generally not recommended when there is ongoing abuse, because it can increase risk. Specialized programs for people who use abusive behavior exist and are separate from support for victims.

If you're worried about someone:

• Choose a private, safe moment to talk.
• Listen without judgment and believe what they tell you.
• Avoid criticizing their partner or pressuring them to leave; this can make them withdraw.
• Let them know it's not their fault and that help is available.
• Offer practical support, such as a safe place to stay, holding documents or accompanying them to appointments.
• Respect their decisions, even if it's hard, and stay in touch.

If you believe a child is being abused, contact local child protection services or the police. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number.

Supporting someone through abuse can be emotionally demanding, so look after yourself too, and consider speaking to a professional for guidance.