Toxic relationships

Every relationship has conflict and rough patches. What makes a relationship toxic is a lasting pattern in which one or both people regularly undermine, control or hurt the other, and the harm outweighs the good.

An unhealthy relationship might involve poor communication, constant criticism, jealousy or a lack of trust. In some cases, both partners contribute to the dynamic and may be able to change it with effort and support.

Emotional abuse is more serious. It involves a pattern of behavior designed to control, intimidate or diminish another person, such as manipulation, humiliation, threats, isolation or gaslighting, where someone makes you doubt your own memory or perceptions. Emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical violence and often occurs alongside it.

The word "toxic" is used widely and sometimes loosely. It helps to focus on specific behaviors and how they affect you: do you feel safe, respected and free to be yourself?

Signs of a toxic relationship can be subtle at first and build over time. Common red flags in a relationship include:

• Frequent criticism, mockery or put-downs, in private or in public
• Feeling like you're always "walking on eggshells"
• Controlling behavior, such as monitoring your phone, money or whereabouts
• Isolation from friends or family
• Intense jealousy or possessiveness
• Gaslighting, denying things that happened or blaming you for their behavior
• Constant conflict that never gets resolved
• Lack of support for your goals or achievements
• Threats, intimidation or punishment through silence
• Pressure around sex or boundaries that are repeatedly ignored
• Cycles of intense affection followed by coldness or cruelty

You might also notice changes in yourself: feeling anxious, losing confidence, apologizing constantly or no longer recognizing who you are. A toxic partner may also be charming and loving at times, which can make it harder to see the overall pattern.

People often wonder why they, or someone they love, stay in a relationship that hurts. The reasons are complex and understandable:

• Love and hope that the "good" version of the partner will return
• Trauma bonding, an intense attachment formed through cycles of harm and affection
• Low self-esteem or the belief that they don't deserve better
• Fear of being alone, or of the partner's reaction
• Financial dependence or shared housing
• Children, family pressure or cultural and religious expectations
• Isolation from people who could offer support
• Codependency, where caring for the other person becomes central to one's identity

Leaving can also be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, which is why planning matters. Staying is not a sign of weakness, and blaming yourself or others for staying rarely helps. Understanding these forces can make it easier to take the next step when you're ready.

Healthy relationships are not perfect, but they are built on respect, trust, honesty and safety. Both people can express their needs, disagree without fear and keep their own friendships and interests. Conflict happens, but it's addressed in a way that doesn't involve humiliation, threats or control.

In an unhealthy relationship, these foundations are weak. Communication may be poor, and patterns like defensiveness or contempt may be common, but there is usually no deliberate effort to control. Some unhealthy relationships improve with couples therapy, better communication skills and commitment from both partners.

In an abusive relationship, one person uses a pattern of power and control over the other. Couples therapy is generally not recommended where there is abuse, because it can increase risk and assumes equal responsibility. Individual support is often more appropriate. If you are unsure which description fits your situation, a licensed therapist or social worker can help you think it through safely.

If you decide to leave, planning can make it safer and easier:

• Talk to someone you trust about what's happening
• Keep important documents, money and essentials somewhere accessible
• Consider changing passwords and checking devices for tracking
• Plan where you will go and how you will get there
• Limit or end contact after leaving, if it's safe to do so
• Expect mixed emotions, including grief and doubt; these don't mean you made the wrong choice

If there has been violence, threats or stalking, or you fear for your safety, contact local domestic violence services or the police for help with a safety plan. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 in the US or your local emergency number. If you're having thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 in the US or call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland.

Therapy can help at every stage: recognizing the pattern, deciding what to do, leaving safely and recovering afterward.

A psychologist or therapist can help you rebuild self-esteem, understand trauma responses such as anxiety or self-doubt, and learn to set boundaries. Approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma-informed therapy and EMDR may be useful, especially after emotional abuse. A social worker can help with practical needs like housing, finances and safety planning. If both partners want to change an unhealthy, non-abusive dynamic, a couples therapist can help.

At a first session, you'll be asked about the relationship, how it affects you, your support network and your safety. A good professional will listen without judgment and respect your choices, even if you're not ready to leave.