Gaslighting

The term comes from an old play and film in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her mind, partly by dimming the gas lights and denying it. Today, gaslighting describes behavior that distorts someone's sense of reality to gain power or control.

Gaslighting is not the same as a disagreement, a different memory of an event or an occasional lie. Everyone remembers things differently sometimes. What makes gaslighting distinctive is a repeated pattern of denying, twisting or dismissing another person's experience so that they begin to trust the other person's version of reality over their own.

Gaslighting may be deliberate, but sometimes the person doing it is also acting out of defensiveness or learned patterns. Either way, the impact on the person on the receiving end can be serious.

Common signs of gaslighting include:

• Frequently doubting your memory or perception of events
• Feeling confused, "crazy" or like you are always overreacting
• Apologizing constantly, even when you are not sure what you did wrong
• Making excuses for the other person's behavior to friends or family
• Feeling that you cannot do anything right
• Withholding information from others to avoid conflict
• Feeling anxious, on edge or less confident than you used to be
• Struggling to make decisions without the other person's approval

These signs often build slowly. Many people only recognize gaslighting when they talk to someone outside the relationship or notice how much they have changed.

Gaslighting can take many forms. Some examples:

• Denial: "That never happened. You're making things up."
• Trivializing: "You're too sensitive. It was just a joke."
• Rewriting history: retelling events in a way that shifts blame to you.
• Questioning memory: "You always forget things. You can't trust your memory."
• Diverting: changing the subject or accusing you instead of addressing a concern.
• Isolating: suggesting that friends or family are against you or that nobody else would believe you.

In a single instance, some of these phrases could be ordinary conflict. The concern is a consistent pattern that leaves you doubting yourself and feeling dependent on the other person's view.

Gaslighting in relationships is one of the most discussed forms, and it often occurs alongside other controlling behaviors such as monitoring, jealousy, financial control or threats. It can also happen in families, where a parent denies a child's experiences, at work, where a manager denies agreements or takes credit, and in friendships.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation and psychological abuse. It may be linked to personality traits such as narcissism, but it is not limited to any diagnosis, and labeling the other person matters less than recognizing the impact on you. If you are experiencing physical violence, threats or fear for your safety, this is domestic abuse, and it is important to seek help and make a safety plan.

Ongoing gaslighting can contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, difficulty trusting yourself and others, and symptoms of trauma. Some people feel numb, hypervigilant or unable to make decisions. Leaving a gaslighting relationship can also be hard because confidence in your own judgment has been undermined.

Therapy can help you rebuild trust in your perceptions, process what happened and set boundaries. Cognitive behavioral therapy can address self-doubt and anxiety, trauma-focused approaches can help when there are trauma symptoms, and supportive therapy can help you make decisions about the relationship at your own pace.

A psychologist, therapist or licensed clinical social worker experienced in relationship issues or abuse can help. In a first appointment, you can describe what has been happening without needing to prove anything. A good therapist will take your experience seriously.

Things that may help:

• Write down events and conversations to anchor your memory.
• Talk to trusted friends or family for an outside perspective.
• Set clear boundaries and limit discussions that go in circles.
• Reconnect with activities and people that help you feel like yourself.

If you are in danger or afraid for your safety, call 911 or your local emergency number. Domestic violence support services in your area can help with confidential advice and safety planning.