Toxic parents

All parents make mistakes, lose their temper or fall short at times. What people usually mean by toxic parents is a lasting pattern of behavior that undermines a child's sense of safety, worth or independence, often continuing into adulthood.

This may include harsh criticism, emotional manipulation, controlling behavior or a lack of warmth and support. Some parents are openly hostile or abusive. Others are emotionally immature parents: they may be self-focused, unable to handle feelings, or rely on their children to meet their emotional needs.

People sometimes describe a narcissistic mother or narcissistic parents when a parent seems preoccupied with their own image, lacks empathy and treats the child as an extension of themselves. Only a qualified professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, but the term reflects patterns many adult children recognize.

A toxic family can also involve siblings or extended relatives, and dynamics such as favoritism, scapegoating or keeping family secrets. These patterns are often passed down through generations.

Signs of toxic parents can be obvious or subtle. They may include:

• Constant criticism, belittling or comparing you with others
• Controlling your choices, relationships or career, even as an adult
• Guilt-tripping or emotional manipulation to get what they want
• Ignoring or crossing your boundaries
• Making you feel responsible for their feelings or problems
• Reacting with anger, punishment or the silent treatment when you disagree
• Lack of interest in your feelings or experiences
• Denying or rewriting past events, sometimes described as gaslighting
• Playing family members against each other
• Physical, emotional or verbal abuse, or neglect

Parentification is another sign, where a child takes on adult responsibilities, such as caring for siblings or acting as a parent's confidant or emotional support. It can leave children feeling they had to grow up too fast.

Growing up with toxic parents can shape how you see yourself and relate to others. Common effects include:

• Low self-esteem and a harsh inner critic
• People-pleasing and difficulty saying no
• Anxiety, depression or feeling constantly on edge
• Difficulty trusting others or forming close relationships
• Fear of conflict or of disappointing people
• Perfectionism and fear of failure
• Difficulty identifying or expressing emotions
• Guilt when prioritizing your own needs
• Repeating similar dynamics in romantic relationships

For some people, the effects are severe and long-lasting, resembling childhood trauma or complex PTSD, especially when abuse was involved. Many adult children feel confused because they love their parents, or because their parents also had good qualities. Mixed feelings are normal. Recognizing the impact doesn't mean blaming your parents for everything; it means understanding your experience so you can heal.

Dealing with toxic parents as an adult often involves deciding what kind of relationship, if any, feels healthy for you. Options vary:

• Setting clear boundaries, such as limiting topics, visit length or how often you're in contact
• Reducing contact while keeping a relationship
• Communicating in ways that feel safer, such as by message instead of phone
• Taking a break from contact
• In some cases, choosing estrangement or no contact

There is no single right choice, and it can change over time. Some parents respond to boundaries and the relationship improves. Others may resist or escalate. Ways to cope include:

• Preparing for difficult conversations or family events
• Having a plan to leave if things get heated
• Lowering expectations of change, which can reduce disappointment
• Building a support network of friends and chosen family
• Practicing self-compassion when guilt arises

Therapy can help you understand your family experiences, process difficult emotions and develop new patterns. A psychologist, psychotherapist or family therapist can support you whether you want to repair the relationship, set limits or move on.

Helpful approaches include:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), to challenge beliefs like "My needs don't matter"
• Schema therapy, to address deep-rooted patterns from childhood
• Trauma-focused therapies, such as EMDR, when there was abuse or significant trauma
• Compassion-focused therapy, to soften a harsh inner critic
• Family therapy, when both parents and adult children want to work on the relationship and it is safe to do so

At a first session, you'll talk about your family history, current relationships, what feels most difficult and what you hope to change. You won't be pushed to confront or cut off your parents. A good therapist helps you make choices that feel right for you.

Consider seeking help if your relationship with your parents is causing ongoing anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, relationship problems or difficulty functioning. If you're currently experiencing abuse or are in danger, contact local support services or the police; call 911 in the US or your local emergency number in an emergency. If you have thoughts of suicide or self-harm, call or text 988 in the US or call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland.

In the meantime:

• Learn about family dynamics to make sense of your experience
• Write about your feelings and memories
• Spend time with people who treat you with respect
• Notice and gently question your inner critic
• Remember that your feelings are valid, whatever choices you make