About emotional dependency
Emotional dependency shows as an intense fear of abandonment, needing constant approval or staying in relationships that cause harm. Therapy works on self-esteem, boundaries and the patterns learned in previous relationships.
Couples therapists help partners with communication problems, frequent arguments, infidelity, crises or decisions about the future of the relationship. Sessions are usually joint, sometimes combined with individual ones.
Getting mental health care in Tokelau
Public health system · Tokelau Department of Health
Health care is provided by the Tokelau Department of Health, which is limited by staff and funding. The New Zealand Mental Health Act is applied in Tokelau.
Urgent help in Tokelau
If your life or someone else's is in danger, call the emergency number now. These services can help at any time:
- 23114 · Fanuafala Hospital (Fakaofo)
Information reviewed in November 2026 · Sources: who.int
Signs to look out for
Wanting closeness is human. It may be emotional dependency when your well-being depends almost entirely on one person, you feel intense anxiety at the thought of losing them, you constantly seek reassurance, give up your own needs, friends or interests to keep the relationship, or stay in relationships that hurt you because being alone feels unbearable. It can happen with partners, family or friends.
What helps: treatments and professionals
Psychologists and psychotherapists can help you understand where these patterns come from and build a more secure sense of self. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), schema therapy, attachment-focused and psychodynamic approaches are often used, as well as work on self-esteem, assertiveness and boundaries. If the relationship involves control or abuse, specialised support services can also help.
When to seek urgent help
If you are in a relationship where you are threatened, controlled, harmed or afraid, and you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services. Specialised domestic violence services can help you plan for safety. Seek urgent help too if the fear of losing someone, or a breakup, leads to thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life.
What you can do in the meantime
Try to rebuild areas of your life that do not depend on one person: friendships, hobbies, time alone and personal goals. Notice when you seek reassurance and practise tolerating a little uncertainty. Writing about your feelings can help you recognise patterns. Lean on people who respect you, and look for reliable information on healthy relationships and warning signs of control.
What does a couples therapist do?
A couples therapist helps two people understand and improve their relationship. Day to day they work with couples on communication, recurring arguments, trust after infidelity, intimacy, life transitions such as parenthood or retirement, and decisions about continuing or separating. They stay neutral, make room for both perspectives, and teach practical skills to talk, listen and repair after conflict.
When to see a couples therapist
Couples therapy makes sense when arguments repeat without resolution, you feel distant or misunderstood, trust has been damaged, sexual or emotional intimacy has changed, or you face a big decision together. It also helps couples who want to separate respectfully. If there is violence, control or fear in the relationship, couples therapy is not appropriate; individual support and safety come first.
How to choose
When choosing, check the licence and training, the approach they use and whether they have experience with what you need. Consider practical aspects too: language, price, location or online sessions and availability. The relationship with the professional matters a great deal; if after a few sessions it does not feel right, it is fine to change.
Frequently asked questions
Does the public health system in Tokelau cover psychological care?
Health care is provided by the Tokelau Department of Health, which is limited by staff and funding. The New Zealand Mental Health Act is applied in Tokelau.